redactions
an anthology
CHEMICALS MADE THE DAY PASS IN A HAPPY HAZE
Dad was dying, or was already dead, and I
was
alone, and I remember
on Sunday,
I drank
a bottle of white wine.
There was less of Dad
in there than I was expecting – and more
attempting
attempts to begin
the next chapter Aborted attempts
At
mixed feelings
MUTTERING TO MYSELF ON PAPER
Humanity is
the fridge in my apartment
a short interval of silence
drinking cool water
letting the sun go to waste
I step outside, everything is busy
and stimulating, and
I am
already bored,
dreaming of
inheritance
freedom
squandered
Yesterday I walked home from the Hotel Ukraina
7.30pm, dusk
I AM FRIENDLY AND WANT TO SPEAK
I reply in broken Russian –
childlike,
strawberry-scented Kleenex to wipe the sweat
from my face, and he
laughed as though this interaction were
something to be delighted about.
I heard the rain coming down cheap
perspex panes rattle
rain
excites me, it reminds me of summer storms and that scene I
want to write, where
I'm drinking Georgian white wine
to celebrate feeling more light-
hearted
A KIND OF GUILTY FEELING OF LOVE
I'm anxious :(
anxiety + dread around the book, uneasiness
anxiously stress-ate a load of food
Now I'm thinking: have I
essentially just
written my anxieties out ... ? Is there a story? Fuck fuck
fuck.
writing
virus.
I'm worried can't orgasm
sex
feels like
the book
This is ridiculous
WHAT SHE WANTED
this process of writing a book has broken down.
prove it is real, I have not been able to
jarring attempts at interaction
– entirely unnecessary
to impress,
it is
more complex than that.
I could
leave it, if I had to.
delight in disruption a perverse
sense of hope – could this be the
beginning of the end
THE RED OWL
On Saturday
we danced, I
was reaching for
everything.
On Friday,
silence,
some baby talk
I
feel trapped
have to tell him
I'm not coming back.
I thought of writing a letter,
maybe I will mention the red owl – but what
is the use, when I can't figure out what this means.
Silence again today.
Saturday was
a little apocalyptic.
it felt good.
